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PICK UP LINES THAT NEVER FAIL!
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Did it hurt when you
fell from heaven?
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Are you a surgeon?
CAuse you've just took my heart away!
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Have I seen you before?
OH yeah it was in the dictionary under the word KABLAM!!
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There must be a keg in
your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.
-
You're like milk, I
want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
-
My pickup line was
published on the Internet... Would you like to hear it.
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Hey gorgeous the power
company is looking for you you're so electrifying.
-
I'm not actually this
tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
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Excuse me, but I think
I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
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Is your name Gillette?
...because you're the best a man can get.
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I want to melt in your
mouth, not in your hand.
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Hi, I make more money
than you can spend.
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Bond. James Bond
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How do you like your
eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning!
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If I pet you, would you
follow me home?
-
I'm not wearing any
pants.
-
I'd like to wrap your
legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
-
I love the way you
move...like butter on a bald monkey.
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You remind me of my
Grandma except I haven't slept with you yet.
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You stole my heart. But
that's okay; I have another one at home in the fridge.
-
Do you just wanna get
naked?
-
Do you work for UPS?
'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package!
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Why do I have a pierced
tongue? You'll soon find out.
-
Are you free tonight or
is it gonna cost me?
-
Your body's name must
be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
-
Can I buy you a drink,
or do you just want the money.
-
I may not be Fred
Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
-
I may not be the best
looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
-
Yo Baby, you be my
Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your
way.
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Excuse me, do you have
your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this
cheap motel room.
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I'm new in town, could
I have directions to your house.
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If you were a new
hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
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You might not be the
best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
-
That's a nice shirt.
Can I talk you out of it?
-
There must be something
wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
-
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you're the only ten I see!
-
Was your father a
thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
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Your daddy must have
been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
-
Do you have a map? I
just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
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Is it that cold out or
are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
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Excuse me I lost my
teddy bear will you sleep with me tonight.
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If you were a buger I
would pick you first.
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You: Can I borrow a
quarter?
She: why? ( if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why)
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. ( have
something quick to say afterwards)
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Are your pants from
outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.
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Are you a parking
ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.
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I can't wait until
tomorrow. She replys why not. You say cause you look better everyday.
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Are you tired? Cause
you've been running through my mind all day!
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If I could rearrange
the alphabet I'd put U and I together!
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I must be in heaven
cause I've seen an angel.
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Come on baby, sex is
like pizza: Even if it's bad, it's still pretty good.
-
Do you wanna have kids
with me??? No? Then do you just wanna practice?
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I wish you were a
carousel at Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for just a quarter!!
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Aw, girl, I'm gonna
have to put you on my "To Do" List!
-
Save a horse -- ride a
cowboy.
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Hey baby, will you be
my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?
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You know, it's not
premarital sex unless you plan on getting married.
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Hi, I make more money
than you can spend.
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I'd walk a million
miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your
tongue.
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Your eyes are as blue
as window cleaner.
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Mmmm, you bring new
meaning to the word "edible".
-
Hey babe, do you
realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
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Hey babe, wanna get
LUCKY!?!?!!
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Sex is a killer...want
to die happy?
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Hi! Can I buy you a
car?
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I had sex with someone
last night. Was that you?
-
You look like a hooker
I knew in Fresno.
-
You're ugly but you
intrigue me.
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Hey baby...infect me!
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Picture this, you, me,
bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
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No, I'm not a cop. What
can I get for fifty bucks?
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Be unique and
different, say yes.
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If you ever want to see
your children again, you'll do what I want.
-
Inheriting eighty
million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
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If I had a rose for
everytime I thought of you, I'd be walking in my garden forever.
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(To someone wearing a
wetsuit, i.e. surfer, bodyboarder, etc.): Are you wet in that suit?
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What do you say we go
behind a rock and get a little boulder?
-
Hi there! Do you wanna
see something really swell?
-
Why don't you surprise
your room-mate and not come home tonite?
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I lost my teddy bear.
Will you sleep with me?
-
I'm sorry, were you
talking to me? No? Oh well then, please start.
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You look so good, when
I saw you I almost had a hard attack.
-
Sweetheart, you make me
wanna get a job.
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Excuse me, do you have
a band-aid? I scraped my knee when I fell for you.
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Helen was so lovely the
Trojans climbed into a horse. You're so gorgeous I'd climb into a Trojan.
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Nice legs. What time do
they open?
-
I hope you have a
library card because I checking you out.
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I'm not drunk, I'm just
intoxicated by you.
-
I'm feeling a little
off today. Would you mind turning me on?
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Since you lost your
virginity, can I play with the box it came in?
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You must eat a lot of
lucky charms because you are magically delicious!
Man: "Haven't we
met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I
seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat
empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go
back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or
mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to
call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't
know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do
you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby,
what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you
like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on,
we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to
please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to
give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could
see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is
like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go
through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to
the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
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My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
...or something like that.
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Keep honking while I reload.
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If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
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Bad Cop! No Donut!
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
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I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
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Sorry, I don't date outside my species
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
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Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
-
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like
the passengers in his car ...
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Tow-ers will be violated.
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Montana - At least our cows are sane!
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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
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It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
-
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
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Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
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Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
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Wink, I'll do the rest!
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
-
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
-
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
-
Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
-
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
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My karma ran over my dogma.
-
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
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Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
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Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
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Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion.
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We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
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Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
-
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
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2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
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I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
-
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
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If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
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Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
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There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
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I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
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Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
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WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
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BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
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So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
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I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
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I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
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The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
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My kid had sex with your honor student.
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Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
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If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
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Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.
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Hang up and drive.
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Lord save me from your followers.
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Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
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Born again pagan.
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God must love stupid people, he made so many.
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I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
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Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
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Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
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Wink, I'll do the rest!
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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Ax me about Ebonics
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Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
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Boldly going nowhere
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CATS: The other white meat
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CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
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Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
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Don't be sexist - broads hate that
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Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
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Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
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He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
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Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
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How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
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I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts!
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
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If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
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I'm an imbecile and I vote
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WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
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What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
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CAUTION: I drive just like you!
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If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
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Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
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Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
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It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
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"Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point."
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Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
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Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
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Constipated people don't give a crap.
-
If you drink, don't park--accidents cause people.
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Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
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My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
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To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
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If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
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If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
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You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
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The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
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I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha.
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This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
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So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
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If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
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The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
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I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
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Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
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Boldly going nowhere
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Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
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WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
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Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Classic Silly Quotes
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved
Dain bramaged
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Beware of programmers who carry screwdriver
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
A Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
All your base are belong to us
May the smile on your face
Come straight from your heart
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry
Maybe this world is another planet's hell
A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans
Most good judgement comes from experience.
Most experience comes from bad judgement.
You can't cheat an honest man
One slip, and down the hole we fall It seems to take no time at all
Does the noise in my head bother you?
I know a million ways To always pick the wrong thing to say
I must be an acrobat To talk like this and act like that
Every rose has its thorn.
Sister Luck is screaming somebody else's name
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe in anyone elser
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams.
"Unus, sed leo!" [One, but a lion!]
- Aisopos (Fabulae 194).
"»Stay« is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."
- Bronson Allcott.
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years
of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies
in the history of the world."
- Dave Barry.
"Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours."
- M. Berle.
"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving
taxicabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns.
"An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less."
- Nicholas Murray Butler.
"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always
carry a small snake."
- W.C. Fields.
"When rats leave a sinking ship, where exactly do they think they're going?"
- Douglas Gauck.
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
- J.P. Getty.
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important
lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- Matt Groening.
"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
- Joseph Heller (Catch 22).
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."
- Benny Hill.
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
- Kin Hubbard.
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
- Hubert Humphrey.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
- Carl Gustav Jung.
"I dress up for weddings, funerals and fine steakhouses."
--Dan Daly .
"Clean laundry helps the confidence level, which helps the self image, which
helps um, you win games, which makes you rich, which leads to greed, which
leads to more money!!!, Which causes immense spending, which then triggers high
anxiety, which causes a heart attack at the age of 31 and puts you in a coma
for 10 years while you lose all of your money and you start at the beginning
again!"
--Benjer Petersen
"If it's about computers... it can wait!"
--Rachel Halladay
"Don't spend your life as a pretty bitch... God will send you back nice and
ugly!"
--Fritz
"I had gone searching for the truth, and found facts instead. I hate that."
--Anonymous
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house
and 4 people died."
--Steven Wright .
"This morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the
john, but I feel good about it."
--unknown
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important
lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
- Matt Groening.
"Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. Politics is about
surviving until Friday afternoon."
--Sir Humphrey Appleby.
"You'll earn thousands of dollars daily by doing nothing."
--Found on a piece of paper in a Fortune Cookie .
In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots.
--Kaa's Law
"Some people look at jerky and say, 'Why?' I look at jerky and say, 'Mmm!
Jerky!'.
In our view, everybody is a potential partner -- until they shoot at us."
- AOL CEO Steve Case.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
-- Pablo Picasso
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
--Steve Wozniak
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income.
(With thanks to John Pettitt and Ed O'Connell)
It happens. Sometimes people just explode. Natural causes.
from Repo Man
What if this weren't a hypothetical question?
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in
creating the Internet"
--Al Gore
"Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite."
- Dan Quayle.
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do."
--Ronald Reagan
"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.
We begin bombing in five minutes."
--President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the
microphone was already on
"I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back."
- Abraham Lincoln.
"640k ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates in 1981
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in
our heads."
--Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player
"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
"We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble
with the basics."
Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher and manager
"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below
100 points they almost always win."
-- Doug Collins, basketball commentator
"The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games."
--David Garcia
"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
--Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl.
Go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger!
"A person knows he has found his true love when they call that person and say:
Honey, I just killed someone. And that persons response is: where do we hide
the body?"
~"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life.
Happiness is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel
the warmth.
If you need space join NASA baby
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put that booger that counts
-- Tre Cool of Green Day
If we can put one man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?
If the shoe fits, buy it in every color!
I am nobody... nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then..
The best thing about Alzheimer’s is : You can hide your own Easter eggs.
- Gramps
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. HOWEVER...the
roses are dead, the violets are wilting, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your
head.
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON, BUST OUT THE TEQUILLA AND SALT
Why can't I attract men like crazy, Instead of crazy men
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Free Dating Sites versus Totally Free
Dating Sites
Defining "FREE" Dating Services - I'm a firm believer in
online personal ads, and found my true love via Internet dating sites, but
remember the confusion and frustration of clicking on sites claiming Totally
Free Personals only to find out that wasn't the case. For the most
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Free Dating Service - Typically
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Free Dating Service Trials -
Usually means that singles can join the site with no restrictions using all
site functions for a predetermined amount of time. Your profile can remain in
the database, but your downgraded to basic memberships after the trial.
-
Totally Free Dating Services -
"Should" mean that all site features are available to all singles with no
restrictions, no registration, (to grab that email), and no limits on sending
messages. All of our listed totally free personals
sites meet this definition.
Recommended Dating Sites - Well, for maximum results, we
suggest you place a free profile on ALL the high end dating sites that
fit your criteria. ALL dating sites we promote are considered high end,
best of the best and you should consider downloading the
Roboform automated form filler. It's totally free to download, and
makes Internet life so much easier. You can cusomize it for online dating site
use. Just fill in the information once, then go to all the dating sites, and
use roboform to fill out the questionnaires. It also remembers your passwords,
so upon returning, it logs you in with a click, instead of having to manually
type your login and password. I did it, and saved tons of time. Think "Quantity
and Quality" . The more sites you register with and place free
personals profile ads, the more exposure you'll get. Power in numbers, Mi'
amigos!
Totally Free Personals - No Charge to Send
Messages
Dating-Services-Matchmaking-Sites.com offers these free
personals as a way to thank our surfers for using our site for all love and
romance related products and services. To be effective, be sure to place your
ad in the correct catagory on the drop down menu. Also, these ads will be
placed in a search engine that spiders in 15 other free dating sites, so it's
imperative that you put your city and state of residence in the Subject field
so other singles can find you when searching for specific regions. There is NO
membership required to search, place, and contact singles in the database.
Enjoy!
Spam Dating Sites - This is a common term for dating sites
that try and sucker singles to click thier links with the following claims; totally
free personals, 100% free personal ads, completely
free dating site, absolutely free dating services ---
or various combinations thereof. When you click the link, however, all you find
is affiliate links to PAY sites. You'll also most likely encounter tons
of abnoxious blinking banners, and those annoying, intrusive pop up ads or
sneaky pop under pages. Some now have browser hijack software, and porn dialers
that automatically load onto your computer without your knowledge. I personally
hate pop ups, so you'll never find any pop up pages or ads within our networks,
and we never use tracking software or any cookies on your computer. We respect
your privacy
, always.
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